Soul Mates

A little creative output for you to peruse...

Soul Mates

Moths in the moonlight,

dancing a silent waltz

They flutter and float underneath the deep dark blue sky.

Embracing one another,

They move to the purring of the owls and the rustling breeze through the bull rushes.

A big fat wondrous full moon shines her blessings upon them.

Each star setting the mood, 

The pair glide together in absolute harmony.

Sleeping through Valentines

Happy belated Valentines!!

This year was the first year I can remember actually physically yearning for a Valentine. Despite having a handful of men on the periphery of my life, not one means a whole lot to me. The Banker seems to have decided to take a back seat, in fact they all have. A lot of this is to do with me having no time, and it kind of bothers me.

I am so ready to just have a boyfriend that I am comfortable with and I know makes me happy. I guess that's what makes me miss Mr Sheffield. 

I went for a lovely long muddy walk with my sister, and her boyfriends dog, to Lyme Park today. And it hit me that I don't care about these guys, I would like to, but I just have too much on. All I want is a cuddle when I want it. And men can't do that, at least not the ones I meet.

I guess I am ready for love, despite the heartbreak over Mr Sheffield. I was almost there with him, almost completely in love. Somehow, without even realising, I managed to stay at the lust stage. Despite thinking otherwise. 

So, anyway, to the point of this blog. 

Despite me wanting a Valentine so badly, I worked for 11 hours of it and slept for 8. Which means I didn't get chance to be preoccupied with worrying that I wasn't beating the door down because there weren't piles of cards behind it. 

The day just came, and went. 

Simple as that.

Ironic, really. 

I feel exhausted though. I haven't spoken to my Mum in almost a week, and that never happens. And to add insult to injury, my old work appear to not want to accept liability for my accident and it could appear I may need a new suit to go to court in!! Also, I am waiting on hearing whether or not I've got the Supervisor position at work...


Scary grown up times ahead!!

So, other than a serious lack of Valentines or even noticing it was Valentines when it came round, I think I can wait another year before I mope around once more!! 

Brain Cramp

Firstly, I cannot quite believe how fast January has gone. A whole month has flown by with my new job role and new men. My head is fit to burst and yet I don't know why. 

I have finally managed to get my head straight with Mr Pilot and let him know I am not ready to take on all of his problems as well as my own. But there's a part of me that feels so guilty. 

And then there's my parents. My Dad is now living next door to my Mum, which is good because they need to sort the relationship out. I was supposed to be going home on Tuesday for a couple of nights but I really can't do it. I can't stay with my Mum and pop next door to my Dad's. It would just be too weird. I sound so selfish but I just can't. I don't know how to put it into words. I need to go for a long walk somewhere, clear my head. 

I have no problems at work, I am working hard and putting my mind to use at last. I am so grateful even to have a permanent job. 

I have two guys I am just starting to date - Fleming (the cute Indie boy I met on a night out) and the Banker (who took me out and treated me the whole of the date). I don't feel attached to either one at the moment, and it's nice to have choice.

I have also just recently booked up to go to Greece, to hop around a few islands for 2 weeks in May, with two of my girlfriends.  


I even have a very busy social calender for the next month. Rare, in my line of work.

So, please explain to me why I feel so heavy hearted and why my brain feels as though it will explain. 

I have attention from men, a stable job, and a little escapade to look forward to. Yet, I feel so down trodden and exhausted. I have a nervous feeling in my stomach that something is going to go wrong or just explode. 

Humph. Not a happy blogger, with no reasons as to why. 

Perhaps my parents latest actions are affecting me more than I would like them to. Je ne sais pas. 

Maybe a good nights sleep before my shift tomorrow will help. I hope so. 

Dreaming Sweet Dreams

How lovely is it when you slink into a lobster pot bath, and then dry your locks with a blast of hot air? It's one of my favourite things. Just like slipping between clean sheets, the smell of old books, and the taste of melted Camembert.

I have been having a multitude of dreams lately, mainly because I am getting more sleep thanks to my new role as Trainer at work, there are less early starts. I dream that friends are pregnant and that I am travelling the world. I love the world of dreams, anything can happen. So unreal but feels so true whilst you are tucked up. 


Speaking of friends; I went to see my school friends this weekend. There was everything you would expect from a night in with people you grew up with - wine, home cooked food, laughter, tears, stories, hopes, dreams, fears and promises. I loved every second. 


I have to admit that I was one of the ones whose heart broke post drinking the expensive red wine. 


I conversed with my Dad before I left for my evening further North. He could barely string his sentences together and his voice was cracking as he rushed to say goodbye. Please don't get the wrong idea, I am not offended by this. I just hurt for him. I had no clue that he was in such a state, well if I did I've been placing it neatly to the back of my mind. 


He is in such purgatory right now, I feel awful for him. My Mum seems to be coping very well with him out of the family home, my not-so-little (20 y.o) brother too. I want to support him but I am unsure of how to do that. We are alike, him and I, but oh so different too. We use writing and poetry as an emotional outlet, and think things over far too much. The difference between us is that my crazy dreams stay my crazy dreams, my Dad lives his. 


I used to admire him for this, I yearned for the adventures he had lived. But now, I yearn for a little normality. A friend of mine told me that she would of given anything to have a dysfunctional family like mine!! I wouldn't give them up, not for all the gold in the world, but sometimes I want just one day where I don't worry about one of them overdosing on drugs, running away, or just being lonely. 

I know we all hurt when those closest to us hurt, but right now I feel like I am taking on all their pain and I want it to stop. I want them to all have an emotional rest, to be at ease with their lives, just for one moment, for them.

All of the above seems trivial compared to what so many are going through, like my friend Sophie, and her Mum. Debbie's got Lymphoma and is going through some pretty aggressive Chemo right now, from what Sophs says, she is handling it very well. Sophs on the other hand, is angry and irrational about the reasons why her Mum is suffering so cruelly. My heart goes out to her. I think that it is often easier for those who are physically ill to accept than it is for those around them.


Mental well being is another kettle of fish altogether. 


On that note, I am logging off. This has been the deepest, darkest post - not what I intended, honest.


Night night, Sweet Dreams xx

The Truth Hurts

Good evening!! 

OK, so I am trying something new-ish here (for me)...every time I think of texting Mr Sheffield; every time I am worrying about my new position as a trainer at work or whether or not to go for that supervisor role people suggest I should go for; or how I feel about my Dad recently moving out (albeit only next door), I am going to blog.

I am hoping that this will stop the desire to text or call Mr Sheffield every time I want to. The thing is whenever I do I don't get a response; he only ever texts me on his terms and I hate that. 


I am hoping that it will stop me from chewing my lips to bits during the night because I am worrying about my job, my parents and everyone else's problems and issues.

Game Playing

I am not fond of playing games, at all. I don't mind playing hard to get, but I refuse, point blank, to play manipulative mind games. Which as some women may agree, is hard not to do. Many girls out there, including my own darling sister, deem them as a natural part of getting a man. I, however, have played far too many games: waiting games, love me games, become closer to me games, miss me games and the push him away games. 
 
It's not something I am proud of, but I did it. When my heart crumbled because of Far Away Boy, something changed inside of me. I promised to be totally and utterly honest with myself, and all the people around me, including whomever my love interest was at the time. 

So far, so good. But I still haven't been true to myself. The reason I started this blog was so I had a way to vent and get all the gunk on my chest that I go over and over in my head into a "tissue" and throw it away (apologies for the gross analogy). But I have been using it to exploit my sexual relationships. I know it must seem that I am brandishing them, and I have not figured out why I would want to share them with the world; no clue whatsoever. 

From here on in, I am going to be as brutally honest with myself, often harder than being truthful to those in your life.

I will, of course, still keep you updated with the various men who sail through my life but I feel that this needs to be more of an escape for me more than anything. 

Dull, I'm sure. 

But I guess it will be my version of therapy. I have no idea why it has taken 12 months (or so) of blogging to realise this. I know many people blog to share with others their experiences of their lives, but I feel that this needs to be a sacred place where I share with myself. It won't matter how many people follow me or if anyone even reads it. The most important point will be that I am learning to be more honest with myself and to work out what I want from every aspect of my life.

Therefore, the first thing that will change is that this blog will become not an "insight into my ever changing love life", but quite simply "into my ever changing life". 

I would like to be able to use this blog as an opportunity to share my travels, dreams, poetry, and of course any naughty little stories that happen to crop up.

I guess it will be entirely self-indulgent, but sod it! 

I would use a normal big hard back diary, but typing is much faster nowadays anyway :)

In Ms Hepburn's Steps...

OK, so I feel the need to turn over a new page, find some lovely smelling freshly cut grass, write a new chapter, change my ways...however you want to put it, I feel the urge to put Naughty Me back in the box.

I feel that since Mr Sheffield and I broke up, I went on what could be called a "maneater bender". No pun intended, I swear.

I have decided that with any man in my life now, I am going to take it slow. Be a little coy and old fashioned and not jump into bed with the first male that walks in front of my path and shows some interest.

It isn't something I really ever do...holding back, that is. 

I am back on my dating website of choice (Plenty of Fish) and still have a couple guys on the text circuit. I will allow myself to be wined and dined, and then take it from there rather cooly and with an Audrey Hepburn-esque elegance seen in the wonderful Sabrina (although with slightly less beautiful gowns). 

Me and Audrey can do this together; she can help me through forgetting about Mr Sheffield and our doorstep kiss and force me along a road of beauty and grace (is that an accidental quote from Miss Congeniality?!).

I can but try :)

Back to the Future

Happy New Year!!

What a start...some boys down and I am moving forward into an even bigger, messier web of my own spinning!!

Riley is terribly serious and photogenic at the same time so I took some gorgeous photos of him and we had a couple of drinks and a bit of a flirt. Gorgeous with a guitar, absolutely gorgeous.

old fuck buddy lived up to his name completely when he drove me back from Lancaster that night. We had fun. I enjoyed it. He was so rough with me, but I totally got into it...maybe a bit much!! Hehe. I like the unexpected though!!

Nate is in New Zealand visiting family and still in touch via email. This is despite me saying I didn't want anything because it was too complicated. This was, however, after he spent an (how to put this) uneventful night in my bed. Hm.

OK, and lastly but not leastly, is Mr Sheffield. Yes, he is back in my ridiculous Black Widow web. Mr Sheffield and I have been broken up for around 2 months now and haven't seen each other since. Or hadn't until today. 

Every car that drove down my cul-de-sac my heart raced. So when I heard the doorbell go, my palms were sweaty and my mouth dry. There he stood in all his gorgeous glory; still just as handsome as I remembered. Taller, but handsome. 

He held me close for a few seconds and I let go to rush for my 15th wee of the morning.

Off we tootled to Didsbury, the place we first met (on his suggestion). It was lovely. He was apologetic for the way he ended it and that he'd hurt me, he flirted and touched and we even shared a lovely on-the-door-step-kiss; but nothing has changed. He still lives over the Pennines with his parentals. So I don't see how anything could have changed for him. He was the one who couldn't cope not seeing me and living over there whilst I was here. I was quite happy to have space and then when we met up, for it to be lots of fun and so relaxed.

 I still like Mr Sheffield a lot. I was hoping that today I could wrap up what we had and put it to rest. Or at least either confirm I would fight for him or push me away. It has done nothing.

He says the reason behind him coming over is that I am not in his past. But then where do we go from here? Where do I put him? I am even more confused than I was nervous this morning. 

I have been talking about getting a big red Sharpie pen out and drawing a line underneath it, but I don't want to. I want to be with him. All the others seem meaningless compared to him. I know Riley is lovely, but really, I want Mr Sheffield. 

Thing is, it's kind of obvious Mr Sheffield isn't ready for me or a long distance thing. Maybe I should just lay off the web of men for a while and concentrate on something other than them. Because, quite frankly, it's giving me a bit of a headache!!

Any suggestions will be taken quite seriously at this point :)