Dreaming Sweet Dreams

How lovely is it when you slink into a lobster pot bath, and then dry your locks with a blast of hot air? It's one of my favourite things. Just like slipping between clean sheets, the smell of old books, and the taste of melted Camembert.

I have been having a multitude of dreams lately, mainly because I am getting more sleep thanks to my new role as Trainer at work, there are less early starts. I dream that friends are pregnant and that I am travelling the world. I love the world of dreams, anything can happen. So unreal but feels so true whilst you are tucked up. 


Speaking of friends; I went to see my school friends this weekend. There was everything you would expect from a night in with people you grew up with - wine, home cooked food, laughter, tears, stories, hopes, dreams, fears and promises. I loved every second. 


I have to admit that I was one of the ones whose heart broke post drinking the expensive red wine. 


I conversed with my Dad before I left for my evening further North. He could barely string his sentences together and his voice was cracking as he rushed to say goodbye. Please don't get the wrong idea, I am not offended by this. I just hurt for him. I had no clue that he was in such a state, well if I did I've been placing it neatly to the back of my mind. 


He is in such purgatory right now, I feel awful for him. My Mum seems to be coping very well with him out of the family home, my not-so-little (20 y.o) brother too. I want to support him but I am unsure of how to do that. We are alike, him and I, but oh so different too. We use writing and poetry as an emotional outlet, and think things over far too much. The difference between us is that my crazy dreams stay my crazy dreams, my Dad lives his. 


I used to admire him for this, I yearned for the adventures he had lived. But now, I yearn for a little normality. A friend of mine told me that she would of given anything to have a dysfunctional family like mine!! I wouldn't give them up, not for all the gold in the world, but sometimes I want just one day where I don't worry about one of them overdosing on drugs, running away, or just being lonely. 

I know we all hurt when those closest to us hurt, but right now I feel like I am taking on all their pain and I want it to stop. I want them to all have an emotional rest, to be at ease with their lives, just for one moment, for them.

All of the above seems trivial compared to what so many are going through, like my friend Sophie, and her Mum. Debbie's got Lymphoma and is going through some pretty aggressive Chemo right now, from what Sophs says, she is handling it very well. Sophs on the other hand, is angry and irrational about the reasons why her Mum is suffering so cruelly. My heart goes out to her. I think that it is often easier for those who are physically ill to accept than it is for those around them.


Mental well being is another kettle of fish altogether. 


On that note, I am logging off. This has been the deepest, darkest post - not what I intended, honest.


Night night, Sweet Dreams xx

The Return of Far Away Boy

It would seem that cupid is playing with my heart again by throwing my Far Away Boy back into the mix.

And, to be honest, I couldn't be happier. Well, I could, because he could be "lives-close-by-boy" instead.

Anywho...I managed to wangle a few days off at work as there were no planes going anywhere thanks to that delightful Volcano whatsitmacalled in Iceland.

(Please do not get me started on Mr Ash Cloud. If he returns I shall personally purchase a giant size hairdryer and attempt to blow it right away!!)

So, I thought a nice trip up North to Scottie Land to see my parents would be a good plan. Ah yes, fresh air, dog walking, home cooked food and of course the good excuse that is was my Mothers birthday.

So I boarded my train and headed for the borders.

Of course I had the usual crazy drunken lady chatting away, so much so that I let my English-ness take over and I moved seats...so rude I know!

A few days of drinking wine, watching tv and being chased by the killer sheep (they follow you around expecting food and they just stand there, around 50 of them, and bleat whilst watching you like a pack of wolves not bloody sheep!!) whilst walking the dogs passed and I decided to grace MSN with my presence.

I was still hyped up on my return as this was the last "place" I spoke to my Far Away Boy. It was like returning to the scene of a crime.

After 5 or so minutes his name popped up. Set to Away.

I decided to say Hi.

No reply.

Still no reply when I went out for lunch with Mummy dearest.

Several hours later, after some wine and a beer or two I went back on.

He'd replied.

I got cut off.

Shit shit shit.

My heart was practically climbing out of my chest and my stomach was churning the chillie and wine round and round willing the internet to reconnect with all my might.

Bing.

Back on. Yes.

FarAwayBoy: "Did you get my message earlier?"

Me: "Nope"

FarAwayBoy: "OK, I'll send it again." ...

I cannot, for the life of me, go through every line.

Basically, all you need to know is that he still hearts me :)

He told me he is very sorry for not being in contact and that it is to do with his work (he's a police officer) which is why he pushed me away. A superior at work is putting immense pressure on him and he's considering quitting. I instantly wanted to protect him and be there for him. But I can't.

I'm here, and he's there. This sucks.

He also told me he couldn't cope with both things at the time, or now, so it would seem whilst he still "hearts" me he still can't be mine.

So, although he used the phrases "all those feelings are still there" and "I wish I'd never left you that week", he's still not here.

I am seeing the world through lovely pink lenses again despite having not spoken again.

I'm trying very hard, again, not to email/text but my veins are full of butterflies and all I want to do is fly out and see him.

Any ideas how to get him to come 2000 miles to be my "here-right-now-boy" would be much appreciated!!