Dreaming Sweet Dreams

How lovely is it when you slink into a lobster pot bath, and then dry your locks with a blast of hot air? It's one of my favourite things. Just like slipping between clean sheets, the smell of old books, and the taste of melted Camembert.

I have been having a multitude of dreams lately, mainly because I am getting more sleep thanks to my new role as Trainer at work, there are less early starts. I dream that friends are pregnant and that I am travelling the world. I love the world of dreams, anything can happen. So unreal but feels so true whilst you are tucked up. 


Speaking of friends; I went to see my school friends this weekend. There was everything you would expect from a night in with people you grew up with - wine, home cooked food, laughter, tears, stories, hopes, dreams, fears and promises. I loved every second. 


I have to admit that I was one of the ones whose heart broke post drinking the expensive red wine. 


I conversed with my Dad before I left for my evening further North. He could barely string his sentences together and his voice was cracking as he rushed to say goodbye. Please don't get the wrong idea, I am not offended by this. I just hurt for him. I had no clue that he was in such a state, well if I did I've been placing it neatly to the back of my mind. 


He is in such purgatory right now, I feel awful for him. My Mum seems to be coping very well with him out of the family home, my not-so-little (20 y.o) brother too. I want to support him but I am unsure of how to do that. We are alike, him and I, but oh so different too. We use writing and poetry as an emotional outlet, and think things over far too much. The difference between us is that my crazy dreams stay my crazy dreams, my Dad lives his. 


I used to admire him for this, I yearned for the adventures he had lived. But now, I yearn for a little normality. A friend of mine told me that she would of given anything to have a dysfunctional family like mine!! I wouldn't give them up, not for all the gold in the world, but sometimes I want just one day where I don't worry about one of them overdosing on drugs, running away, or just being lonely. 

I know we all hurt when those closest to us hurt, but right now I feel like I am taking on all their pain and I want it to stop. I want them to all have an emotional rest, to be at ease with their lives, just for one moment, for them.

All of the above seems trivial compared to what so many are going through, like my friend Sophie, and her Mum. Debbie's got Lymphoma and is going through some pretty aggressive Chemo right now, from what Sophs says, she is handling it very well. Sophs on the other hand, is angry and irrational about the reasons why her Mum is suffering so cruelly. My heart goes out to her. I think that it is often easier for those who are physically ill to accept than it is for those around them.


Mental well being is another kettle of fish altogether. 


On that note, I am logging off. This has been the deepest, darkest post - not what I intended, honest.


Night night, Sweet Dreams xx

The Truth Hurts

Good evening!! 

OK, so I am trying something new-ish here (for me)...every time I think of texting Mr Sheffield; every time I am worrying about my new position as a trainer at work or whether or not to go for that supervisor role people suggest I should go for; or how I feel about my Dad recently moving out (albeit only next door), I am going to blog.

I am hoping that this will stop the desire to text or call Mr Sheffield every time I want to. The thing is whenever I do I don't get a response; he only ever texts me on his terms and I hate that. 


I am hoping that it will stop me from chewing my lips to bits during the night because I am worrying about my job, my parents and everyone else's problems and issues.

Game Playing

I am not fond of playing games, at all. I don't mind playing hard to get, but I refuse, point blank, to play manipulative mind games. Which as some women may agree, is hard not to do. Many girls out there, including my own darling sister, deem them as a natural part of getting a man. I, however, have played far too many games: waiting games, love me games, become closer to me games, miss me games and the push him away games. 
 
It's not something I am proud of, but I did it. When my heart crumbled because of Far Away Boy, something changed inside of me. I promised to be totally and utterly honest with myself, and all the people around me, including whomever my love interest was at the time. 

So far, so good. But I still haven't been true to myself. The reason I started this blog was so I had a way to vent and get all the gunk on my chest that I go over and over in my head into a "tissue" and throw it away (apologies for the gross analogy). But I have been using it to exploit my sexual relationships. I know it must seem that I am brandishing them, and I have not figured out why I would want to share them with the world; no clue whatsoever. 

From here on in, I am going to be as brutally honest with myself, often harder than being truthful to those in your life.

I will, of course, still keep you updated with the various men who sail through my life but I feel that this needs to be more of an escape for me more than anything. 

Dull, I'm sure. 

But I guess it will be my version of therapy. I have no idea why it has taken 12 months (or so) of blogging to realise this. I know many people blog to share with others their experiences of their lives, but I feel that this needs to be a sacred place where I share with myself. It won't matter how many people follow me or if anyone even reads it. The most important point will be that I am learning to be more honest with myself and to work out what I want from every aspect of my life.

Therefore, the first thing that will change is that this blog will become not an "insight into my ever changing love life", but quite simply "into my ever changing life". 

I would like to be able to use this blog as an opportunity to share my travels, dreams, poetry, and of course any naughty little stories that happen to crop up.

I guess it will be entirely self-indulgent, but sod it! 

I would use a normal big hard back diary, but typing is much faster nowadays anyway :)

In Ms Hepburn's Steps...

OK, so I feel the need to turn over a new page, find some lovely smelling freshly cut grass, write a new chapter, change my ways...however you want to put it, I feel the urge to put Naughty Me back in the box.

I feel that since Mr Sheffield and I broke up, I went on what could be called a "maneater bender". No pun intended, I swear.

I have decided that with any man in my life now, I am going to take it slow. Be a little coy and old fashioned and not jump into bed with the first male that walks in front of my path and shows some interest.

It isn't something I really ever do...holding back, that is. 

I am back on my dating website of choice (Plenty of Fish) and still have a couple guys on the text circuit. I will allow myself to be wined and dined, and then take it from there rather cooly and with an Audrey Hepburn-esque elegance seen in the wonderful Sabrina (although with slightly less beautiful gowns). 

Me and Audrey can do this together; she can help me through forgetting about Mr Sheffield and our doorstep kiss and force me along a road of beauty and grace (is that an accidental quote from Miss Congeniality?!).

I can but try :)

Back to the Future

Happy New Year!!

What a start...some boys down and I am moving forward into an even bigger, messier web of my own spinning!!

Riley is terribly serious and photogenic at the same time so I took some gorgeous photos of him and we had a couple of drinks and a bit of a flirt. Gorgeous with a guitar, absolutely gorgeous.

old fuck buddy lived up to his name completely when he drove me back from Lancaster that night. We had fun. I enjoyed it. He was so rough with me, but I totally got into it...maybe a bit much!! Hehe. I like the unexpected though!!

Nate is in New Zealand visiting family and still in touch via email. This is despite me saying I didn't want anything because it was too complicated. This was, however, after he spent an (how to put this) uneventful night in my bed. Hm.

OK, and lastly but not leastly, is Mr Sheffield. Yes, he is back in my ridiculous Black Widow web. Mr Sheffield and I have been broken up for around 2 months now and haven't seen each other since. Or hadn't until today. 

Every car that drove down my cul-de-sac my heart raced. So when I heard the doorbell go, my palms were sweaty and my mouth dry. There he stood in all his gorgeous glory; still just as handsome as I remembered. Taller, but handsome. 

He held me close for a few seconds and I let go to rush for my 15th wee of the morning.

Off we tootled to Didsbury, the place we first met (on his suggestion). It was lovely. He was apologetic for the way he ended it and that he'd hurt me, he flirted and touched and we even shared a lovely on-the-door-step-kiss; but nothing has changed. He still lives over the Pennines with his parentals. So I don't see how anything could have changed for him. He was the one who couldn't cope not seeing me and living over there whilst I was here. I was quite happy to have space and then when we met up, for it to be lots of fun and so relaxed.

 I still like Mr Sheffield a lot. I was hoping that today I could wrap up what we had and put it to rest. Or at least either confirm I would fight for him or push me away. It has done nothing.

He says the reason behind him coming over is that I am not in his past. But then where do we go from here? Where do I put him? I am even more confused than I was nervous this morning. 

I have been talking about getting a big red Sharpie pen out and drawing a line underneath it, but I don't want to. I want to be with him. All the others seem meaningless compared to him. I know Riley is lovely, but really, I want Mr Sheffield. 

Thing is, it's kind of obvious Mr Sheffield isn't ready for me or a long distance thing. Maybe I should just lay off the web of men for a while and concentrate on something other than them. Because, quite frankly, it's giving me a bit of a headache!!

Any suggestions will be taken quite seriously at this point :)

An Orgy of Choice

In my previous blog it was all about Julian and his very lovely rugby bottom...tehe. 

Firstly, let's turn our eyes to my Cockney Copper (contestant 1). 


He's lovely and thoughtful, and drove 4 hours North just to chat and watch films and be in my company. Yes, it may well have resulted in having, in what can only be described as, a rather inexperienced roll around but it was the thought that counted. The last time I saw him he was a lot slimmer, and had a lot more confidence. 


OK, so he has bulked out a bit (as a woman who expects men to be enamoured with me, size 0 or 20 I should not judge) and he doesn't hold his head as highly...he still makes me laugh, a lot. But there just isn't as much chemistry there as I remember. Maybe it was just my 18 year old self wanting there to be, or maybe I was just comparing him to Julian far too much (hard not to, when he completely blew me away)!! 


Overall, we had a great evening, and then next day, eating my legendary chilli and catching up. Potential for more...watch this space. 


Now, on to my Stalker (contestant 3). This guy had shown some potential to be a bit of naughty fun...turns out he is what I would like to consider a sex addict!! Stalkers' stalker like tendencies had calmed down a bit as I gave him a bit of the old cold shoulder after I'd told him straight he needed to pipe down if he wanted even a sniff of a rendezvous. Thankfully, he did...but to be honest he turned out to be a bit dull without the naughtiness. 


Anywho, I was out for a VERY drunken night with my girls last Saturday when he called me. He was on his way back from a day trip to France with his school (and yes, he is a teacher there, not a pupil). The long and short of it all is that he ended up picking me and Keira after she'd had suffered some major drama with her live-in girlfriend Rae about smoking a cigarette. 


He ended up back at mine and naughty self came back out of the box...now this guy was pretty good with his hands but there was nothing else to write home about. And without sounding too crass, all he wanted to do was to "get his end away". I'm pretty sure there is also somewhere that says you shouldn't sleep with your stalker. Well, why has no one shown me this?! He text me 5 times last night because I hadn't replied and rang me 3 times during the night!! 


I don't half know how to pick 'em, do I?! 


Needless to say, I don't think that I'm going to see him again...not for his want of trying though!!


And what about the rest of the rabble I hear you cry...




...Well, there's my friend Tim, from Lancaster, who told me he loved me over text on a drunken night but then repeated it again whilst sober the next day. 


Then there's a friend of a friend, Riley, who plays guitar beautifully and I am supposedly going to see tomorrow, also in Lancaster. Twist here is that he works with Tim and was sat next to him on the above said drunken night when he also said he fancied me. Great. 


Thirdly, again in Lancaster, is old fuck buddy. He is supposedly bringing me home from my Lancaster adventure on Wednesday...


And finally, yes there is another, is Nate. A 40 year old pilot whom I work with. He has 5 kids and is currently going through a divorce as well as a break up from a girlfriend he had during, and post, marriage. Two words: messy and baggage. I think I need to stay well clear. 


Oh, and there was sadly not a reappearance of Julian this weekend as he has got himself a girlfriend...fast mover hey?! 


If you can keep up with the above, I am going to be very impressed, because I cannot. And more than a few are going to have to go. Julian is naturally out, Stalker definitely is and I reckon Nate probably should be as well. 


What on earth have I got myself into?! 


I shall update you on the three Lancaster lads when I come back later in the week.


Until then, Alice has definitely fallen through the looking glass...










ps. the Mad Hatter's Birthday Tea Party for my big sister went excellently!! I was a huge success!! Maybe I should be a party planner. 

And the results are in...

Well, well, well. 


Here's goes the explanation of how my first of three rendezvous' went with three (of a few) men currently in my life...


...to see a brief description of them see: Rebound Choices. 


Anywho...


...Julian was my contestant number 2!! To put it in his words we have "amazing chemistry". 
It's true. I have never had a session like that with anyone for years!! We literally couldn't keep our hands off one another. He picked me up and carried me around that room like I was as light as a feather!! He was exactly what the doctor ordered...someone to take control and know, with his amount of experience, what every single kiss and touch would make me feel. 


To add to all of this, he is quite simply an awesome guy: artistic (see photo above; yes I took it but he had his gorgeous camera with him too, snapping away), caring, attentive and intelligent. I could go on. He can be a very misunderstood young man, but is all of the above and much more. It's nice to know we can get on so well and have such an amazing time together too.


Due to the past we shared, it was needed to have a catch up before anything happened. Last time I saw him it wasn't my proudest moment. Basically, Julian got caught up between me and ex-boyfriend. At the time I was choosing between ex-boyfriend and being single. Julian seemed to have got the impression I was choosing between him and ex-boyfriend. Eeek. 


Not so. So, whilst I went back to ex-boyfriend, Julian made out he was an awful guy. So after clearing up exactly what went down 2 years ago, we carried on the drinking and fell into his bed. Hehe.


Well, that's enough for now. Might be seeing him this weekend for my sisters' party, but I doubt it somehow. 


Contestants number 1 and 3 both included naughtiness...need to get my naughty self back in the box for Christmas me thinks...

Rebound Choices...

So, my last blog was a bit wallow-ey wasn't it?! Sorry about that!!


But I'm near enough back to my fantastic witty self (except for still smoking the Richmond Menthol!!) 


So in an attempt to jump back on the single girl band wagon I have got a couple options for my rebound...


Contestant Number 1: I scored myself a hot date for next Friday with a guy who's a PCSO in London. He's a funny flirty guy but we had a little fling back when I was 18. To put it bluntly he didn't know the difference between my clit and my tit. So we shall see if his charm alone will suffice for the time being...but I don't think I'll be jumping between the sheets with him.


Contestant Number 2: However, I am off back to my uni town of Ormskirk to stay with a friend who is very good between the sheets...but we're just going to go for a drink and watch some films...also saying this I don't think we ever made it through a full film together back in my uni days...


And finally, Contestant Number 3: A random guy I met in a pub last Friday who I had no idea I was flirting with until he asked for my number (ah the joys of being so fabulous). Thanks to the wonderful invention of texting I found out he's a bit of a perv though and whilst I slept last night I had 4 texts off him and a missed call. Hm. Stalker like behaviour. But on the plus side he was really cute and quite intelligent. 




So...three very different men. Two from the past (in my books I need that comfortable stage already for a rebound) and one brand spanking new one. 


Well we'll see how Contestant Number 2 bares up tonight!!