Emotional Myriad

Rich golden envy,
Beautiful saffron burning eyes.
Silky azure touches,
Scorching ashen faces.

Doorstep Surprises

In recent day dreaming fantasies I have imagined myself coming home on a cold rainy Manchester evening to find my far away boy on my doorstep with a big smile and declarations of love.

Alas, every day since I sent my Highland Cattle card he has not been there.

Oh well, I sigh.

Every time questioning how long it takes for a card to get to this far away place (2000 miles if you were wondering). I think about our shitty postal service and just hope he hasn't got it yet and that is the reason I haven't heard even a peep of recognition.

Unlikely, I know, but a girl can dream (or be deluded).

So, today, note my surprise when I came home to a long-since promised parcel from my friend Lucie.

I ripped it open to find an "I <3 SF" t-shirt and a whole hoard of Ghirardelli chocolates!!

Awesome!!

So, although I did not find my far away boy, I did get a new sleep t-shirt and many a taste explosion in bite size quantities.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I have managed to quit that nightmarish job at the pharmacy and bag myself a nice little number on the check in for a budget airline at Manchester Airport!!

See, good thing's do come to those who wait...

...keep your fingers crossed that my next thing is far away boy!!

Three Men, a Lady and a Highland Cattle Card

It would seem that one can have too much of a good thing...men!!

I have managed over the last month to gain, and lose, and gain again, precisely 3 men.

1. Old friend turned fuck buddy.

2. Blue eyes (drunken snog plus lots of texting)

3. My best friend and ex boyfriend

Ok, so number 1. Well it would seem I have gained our very sexual relationship back again...not sure why. He's not seeing this other girl but it seems fun. However, won't be overly bothered if we lose it again.

Number 2. Very drunken snog turned into a date (supposedly tonight) but when I ran into him on Saturday night whilst out with my brothers, never a good combination, turns out I have too much baggage for one week (my big brother got kicked out of a bar and so the rest follows...) and so he cancelled our date. I didn't want a full blown relationship, I just wanted to snog him again! Ha, oh well.

Then, finally, number 3. Not much I can say, other than that I need to stop making out with him if we are to make any move towards the good old friendship zone. I just can't help it. It's so comfortable. But I know we'll end up with broken hearts again.

Oddly enough, throughout all of this gaining and losing, gaining and losing, I realised I don't really want any of them. I want my far away boy who, thanks to my 19 year old brother have noticed I am actually in love with.

I think about him everyday and have been chasing boys I don't particular want as I want a distraction.

What's my plan of action I hear you cry??

I have written him a card with a highland cattle on the front (don't want any lovey dovey stuff) which, quite simply, tells him I'm in love with him. Don't know whether I'll even get a response, but I need to get it off my chest because I'm too much of a romantic just to walk away...even if it has been 6 weeks since we spoke.

Wish me luck at my last ditch attempt to get back the boy I actually want!! I'm not holding out much hope, but there is a little tiny glimmer there...

...if all else fails I might just get a puppy!!!

Beautifully Weird

So...the boy I picked up.

Well, turns out we had the most awesome laughter and sex filled weekend ever!! We watched films snuggled up and we had neighbour-complaint worthy sex and lots of pillow talk...sounds pretty good huh?

Fat chance.

He came over Sunday: awesome!! Monday: he traveled to his friend's party in Sheffield. Monday 2:30am (bear in mind I haven't been sleeping because of the elbow): I just snogged my friend's sister - like 20 times. WHAT?!

So, OK we're only just seeing each other. Therefore, in my books anyway, a drunken snog is fine. However, texting the person you are seeing that you just snogged someone (which apparently you have fancied for years) at 2:30 in the morning is NOT fine in any definition!!

So, drunken phone call proceeds...

"...I'm sorry. I didn't know what to do when she kissed me, or who to tell"

"Not me, at 2:30 in the morning. Seriously, I couldn't give a crap [not totally true] about the snogging I just don't want to be told, especially in the middle of the night."

"Ok. Well I'm sorry and I'll still see you tomorrow right?"

"Yeah, whatever. Just speak to you then." I was pretty furious.

I couldn't be overly furious, however, as he was aware I had had a pretty drunken snog the night before with a complete random. But I was furious that he thought it was ok to text me and tell me...why would I want to know when he was the guy I'm sleeping with??

I feel like I set myself up for this one because I was the one that was really scared he was getting serious.

I wish this was true. I was afraid of having all these horrid jealous, desperate to want to talk to the person you really fancy feelings. I despise them because they're so painful.

He came back Tuesday, glum look on his face and trying to make it up to me with a Curry and a Disney film. It worked.

Now (Wednesday), it would seem that this girl likes him and he still likes her. But his dilemma (ha!) is he likes both of us. Brilliant.

In response to this initially I told him fine.

Then, whilst walking home, the Manchester wind in my hair and The Futureheads playing in my ears I came to my senses and sent him an ass-kicking email.

Which basically went: I think you're brilliant but don't think I'm secure enough to not care about you sleeping with other girls. Hope you understand.

It was, of course, much wordier. In reply he said he was gutted and that he thought I was beautiful but more importantly, beautifully weird. But understood, even though I shouldn't feel like that.

So, feeling good I went out to a Disco night. Music: awesome. Friend snogging a boy: not so awesome, in fact, very lonely with random men trying it on. I just wanted to snogged my boy. No credit, couldn't a tipsy message - good!!

However, we're speaking today and I felt I didn't want to give him up so easily. BUT, I've realised tonight that while he is awesome, he can't be quite so awesome if he likes two girls - that's just greedy!! And also, this other girl knows he's seeing me but isn't bothered. Apparently, and I quote, "[she's] a big girl" and so can look after herself.

Erm, well wherever she is she clearly has no self respect because I'm out of there. She can have him.

No matter how brilliant he is, and he really is coz if he wasn't I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest, I won't share.

I don't want to be second best, or be jealous and turn all psychotic, it's just not me.

I'm just going to continue to be beautifully weird.

All mouth and no trousers

So, almost two whole weeks into falling-down-the-stairs-and-fracturing-my-elbow-incident and I'm quite ready to never go back to work!!

I have managed to keep myself busy with checking my Facebook a million times a day though!! Wow, what an interesting life I do lead!! In amongst the ridiculous Facebook stalking of all the friends I have, some of which I don't think even spoke to me in high school, I have managed to pick up a boy.

Yes, a boy!!

Now, I've known this boy for over 6 years through, oddly enough, my-first-love boyfriend. He's funny, good looking, sensitive, cocky, charming, attentive and really really cute.

The odd thing is, I haven't seen him for 4 of those years and apparently the last time I saw him we had a very nice drunken snog in a sweaty club full of 17 year olds!! So, how, may you ask, did he get back in contact? Facebook of course!! He saw my status ("just been belly dancing - ah so that's what God gave me a bum and boobs for" - I was clearly asking for trouble) and just happened to email me.

I'm not one to shy away from attention - I am a single girl so sometimes you just like a bit of mild flirting. Mild - woah horsey - it's red hot!! He is doing some serious flirting, and I just can't resist!! So a day turns into 3 and then into a week and he's texting me all day, everyday.

At this point I should probably say that he is also off work after a football injury knee op. So I think, no harm, we're just keeping each other occupied and making one another feel a bit more wanted than we did a week ago. But he starts calling me, everyday. I don't mind, in the slightest. I'm really starting to fancy him. In fact he really turns me on!!

So, when he asks me can he come down when he can drive (he lives over an hour away) I oblige and tell him yes, course, that'd be fun.

Then his friend tells me in a drunken phone call that he told him he's seeing me...

...Erm...don't call me old fashioned but doesn't there have to some kind of human contact before any relationship is started?? I really don't know. Maybe with the world wide web and mobile phones things have changed but I dunno...

Now a little concerned then when he gets here he's going to be all mouth and no trousers. Or rather I'm not going to be this amazing girl he seems to want to tell his mates he's "seeing".

Argh. I don't even want a relationship. Even if it is one that is purely sexual.

I mean after all, you can't really have a f*** buddy who lives over an hour away...that is one hell of a drive for a booty call!!




ps. don't try belly dancing with an injured arm of any kind - it may well work your obliques but it certainly does nothing for your balance!!

One Hand Salute

So, it would seem that the drama snowball, excuse the pun, from 2009 is continuing its roll into 2010!! With no staff all week I've been run off my feet, just like most. But when you work in a pharmacy, a lack of staff and even pharmacists means utter chaos.

Now, I regularly go without lunch but three days in a row of 9 hour shifts and no break for one is illegal but mainly two, it is exhausting. So, it is no wonder that on Thursday at around 3.30pm with a cup of green tea in one hand and my mind pondering the fact that I hadn't put any mascara on for 3 days I slipped down a full flight of stairs and ended up at sat at the bottom.

My colleagues rushed to me and checked me out,insisting I go to A&E as I was white as a sheet and in pain. However,my primary concern was that I'd smashed my cup that I had somehow thrown in the air, along with the Fisherman's Friend, showered myself with green tea and somehow broken my fall on the teabag. How it never hit me on the head or worse still how I never fell behind the door and flat on my face I will never know. I must have a guardian angel somewhere.

I ended up in a taxi on my way to A&E with my multi coloured scarf as a sling. This was after my supervisor, and dear friend, Natasha had informed the cluster lead who said she could really do without this. Ha. So could I!

I went straight through for an x-ray as the local GP gave me a note. The grumbles of the radiographers didn't sound so good; it looked like a fracture. Great. I went back to wait in A&E with people throwing up everywhere. A&E is always an interesting place to be on an afternoon. I tried to figure out what was wrong with everyone as no one, except for one lad hopping round on crutches had anything outwardly wrong with them. Luckily Natasha turned up before I started playing doctors and nurses too in depth.

A jolly male nurse called me in, made notes and decided that after discussing it with the orthopedic guy I was fine. Just keep it moving. So, as I skipped out of the room to tell Natasha the good news I was happy as Larry. Too happy too soon. I was called back in to see three hospital staff, including head of radiography, standing round my x-ray smiling sheepishly. They changed their minds. What?! I looked at the screen and couldn't see anything apart from awful bingo wings and skinny white bone, but I suppose that's why I'm not a radiographer.

My dignity was about to be taken away as I took all my tops off including my bra strap and let the male nurse fit my cuff and collar. Several things went through my mind at this point: 1. must never ever wear this awful greying white bra anywhere again; 2. oh Lord how weird am I going to look with one 34ff breast in a cup and one out; and finally 3. thank God this guy isn't hot!!

So, I took my fractured head of radius and bruised bum out of A&E with my multi coloured scarf now working to cover my modesty in -12 degree conditions.

With this post, I therefore have become one handed and give a one handed salute to my pharmaceutical giant of company.

Good luck in the no win no fee malarkey!!

Blue Tights and Lust

Lesson 1: Do not put your electric blue tights into the dryer if you want to be able to fit into them the day after. Lesson 2: Use everyday happenings as inspiration to move forward.

I don't usually do horoscopes but this was mine in today's Metro...

Leo Jul 24 - Aug 23 You're being flirted with, and you haven't even noticed. Stop thinking of what could have been and start focusing on what can be. It's the only way you'll find your way out of recent limitations.

...Now I know you can apply nearly ALL horoscopes to your life and this one seems pretty typical for any New Year Leo or any star sign for that matter!! But I have recently slipped out of a strange little fling and I'm finding it more than difficult to kind of move past it. I'll explain a little...

All girls have that boy they've known for years where there's always flirtation and even romance; my boy is Ollie. My mum and his have been friends since they were 21, she's my "auntie" and we have grown up with our mum's planning our wedding since I was born. We've had plenty of summer romances ( he lives 2000 miles away in that same British colony my mum used to teach in) but this year he came over to visit me for a week post-break up from my uni boyfriend (Ben, but that's for another day). To be brief: he treated me like a princess and sent more than just shivers up and down my spine every time we fucked. In my book, these kinds of men don't come along very often and when they do you tend to put both feet in their metaphorical cozy bucket of red hot water. As this was post-break up for me, I realised putting both feet in would be silly so I just dipped a few toes and enjoyed the wining and dining and more than anything - the amazing orgasms.

However, on the last Sunday we had together we cooked a big Sunday dinner for us and my flatmate Annie. Now, I've never really ever noticed falling in love before because the times before I've always been the one hearing it first and then saying it. So, when he was pouring the juices over the chicken (not the most romantic moment ever, I know) my heart went crazy with those fluttery things that happen. Those of you out there who are sensible and have been in love and LUST before will know that a man, or woman, that makes your heart flutter doesn't mean that you're in love.

What follows just baffles me, and I put that down to being just 22 and having only 2 serious relationships up to now (that's not counting the one night stands at uni or the flirtations for a few weeks). So what follows you're asking? Well, he went back home and back to being a policeman (there's just something SO right about being naughty when he was in his uniform) he got lost in family things and back onto night shifts and no sleep. All of this I can understand. It all kicked off when I phoned him drunk one night when it was so cold and icey I couldn't feel my face. Ok, this was at 4:30 in the morning and if he rang me I would be severely pissed off but would automatically forgive and forget, I may be stubborn and firey but I find it easy to move on quickly (normally, anyway!!).

Turns out in the morning he was highly unamused despite my apologies and insistance that I had rung because I missed him so much. Thinking he would get over it by the next day, I gave him his space and just kind of waited (whilst impatiently and obsessively checking my phone and facebook every 3 seconds). When 2 days later I'd heard nothing, I'd had enough and called him. He said he'd needed that space but questioned whether I was going to get pissy every time he needed space and whether that meant, to me, that he wasn't allowed to get angry about anything. At that point I should have said, "No, don't be silly. Let's just move on." But no, I'm stubborn, so I fought my corner. Plus I was Christmas shopping on the 23rd of December and I had to focus!!

Things just went from bad to worse. On Christmas Day, after making the long journey North to Scotland to my parents warm fireside, I called him but dinner was just being served up and he couldn't talk. He sounded pretty stressed so I just wished him Merry Christmas and he promised to call me later. So Boxing Day morning comes and nothing. So I sign on to MSN and to my relief he is online; a chance to chat. No, another argument because I had wanted to talk. Oh dear. When he cut me off I phoned him. I spoke to his mum for a few minutes then he came on. BIG MISTAKE. He just shouted and said that he will never give anything up for me, especially not space, and that was that. He told me that sometimes he might not want to communicate with anyone, not just me, for a whole week. Having a dad who still runs away to Morrocco every now and then to not to speak to anyone, I can understand. But when this boy lives 2000 miles away and the only way we can communicate is mostly on the internet I'm not sure this would work. Ha.

We have not spoken since. I miss him terribly and the thought that I had had put those dreaded two feet in has worried me insanely. But the sense of relief I feel from escaping, and call me what you will, I feel that i am firmly well and truly out of this one! And now I love him, to pieces, but thank God it was just hot firey lust I was feeling and not full on passionate in love-ness.

So, maybe now, I have gotten all of this off my chest to absolutely no one but open for the whole of the world wide web to read I will feel tons better, with the inspiration of my horoscope obviously!! Here's to moving forward with love and learning to dry my electric blue tights manually eh?!