Blindly I Walk

So, you'll never guess who decided to have a little "friendly" chat with my last night on the ever fantastic Facebook last night?? Mr Sheffield!! Brilliant huh?! 

I am so angry. 

At first I thought I was angry with him for being in contact, and so comfortably saying "Hi Gorgeous". No.

I'm angry at myself for letting him make me feel like this. 

He is the boy who whipped the carpet from under me. 

Argh.

I want to scream. 

And to counteract how I feel I thought it'd be a good idea to go out on a date tonight, what was I thinking?! Well, I was thinking, distraction. But I reckon the fact that he facebooked me to "catch up" and quite happily slip into conversation that he is in Manchester today has not helped!!

I feel sorry for the guy I am going out with. He seems like a genuine guy whom I have a lot in common with. 

I feel like such a wreck.


It's like I've let myself down feeling like this. I don't think it helps either that the guy I have been dating, London Boy, is as it says is moving to London and I just don't have the energy to be pursuing anyone moving away. 


I recently wrote a card to my Dad with a poem in it about Dave, it is how we've been communicating and connecting through his ever stranger separation from my Mum. I said to him it's not how I felt now, but I did, and that I am so glad I don't feel like this any more. I told him that although it's nothing like how he feels at this moment in time, but that using my writing helped me to express how I felt. 

Anyway, here's the poem:

 

Blindly I Walk

I reached out –

Stumbling in the dark for something,

Someone.

I clutch at unknowns, and

Pull back at the shock when I realise,

I am all

Alone.

Confused still, at his departure from my life.

I try to move past the

short time I spent in his arms.

Instead, I merely skirt round

the edges of reason

Seeking company with

strangers.

All I find is Solitude

OK, I've just got a text informing me that my date will be here in 10 minutes so I better go brush my teeth and put the last touches upon myself!!
 

Risky Business

It has been FAR too long since I logged on and blogged...or even read my fellow bloggers offerings. 

I think this is mainly to do with getting used to life on new shifts and supporting both my parents and big sister through their times of need.

Since I last blogged: my sister's boyfriend (now ex) broke up with her via text. Ouch; my (not so) little brother turned 21 without me; my sister and I took my Mum out for Mother's Day and we danced until the small hours fuelled by tequila; and I started to date a terribly funny young man who is moving to London, who I then decided to dump whilst drunk because of this.

So, Numero Uno:  dumping via text. 

I have been here, it hurts. 

Mainly because you feel so un-respected and ill treated by someone who claims to love you. But here is the dilema: we ask people out by text, so how come it's not OK to dump them by it? Is it any different to writing someone a letter to explain how you feel? Or an email? 

I'm not saying it's not shitty, it is cowardly and unfair. We have all taken the easy way out at some point in our lives, we cannot deny it. 


This leads rather nicely onto Numero Quatro: dating London boy, and deciding to dump him whilst intoxicated. 

John - good looking, funny, sarcastic, laid back (sometimes a little too much), intelligent, and quite happily good in bed :) 


Three and a half awesome dates, and 4 weeks later he is still all of the above, just not going to be living in Manchester for very much longer.


Reasons why this sucks: I laugh constantly when I am with him, he takes me to awesome places to eat, his kisses are lovely.


During a very alcohol and food fuelled barbecue on Saturday I decided to tell him (over the phone) that maybe we should just leave things and not see each other again as he is moving to London (for work, in case you were wondering). 

To this, he merely replied "Oh, OK". 

But I was trying not to get attached. I know this is minimising risks and taking the easy road, which I have been telling my sister that we have to take risks if we want to enjoy life, I feel pretty rubbish now.


I don't want to lie in my bed now I've made it, or eat my cake. 


So, when John called me on Sunday (I quickly apologised for telling him how I felt over the phone in my drunken state) and told me that whether I thought it a good idea for us to see one another again before he left, we still would, why do I feel shit still??


Worst thing is, by this time, I had arranged for the guy I met at New Year to come down to see me. And hand on heart, this was all very innocent as I genuinely believed that we were friends and nothing more. Well, one thing I need to do is learn to have self control because more than anything, I actually feel guilty. And John's not even my boyfriend!!


I am tired now, but glad I got the John story off my chest. 


I shall blog about family matters tomorrow post gym!! Oh yes, I am trying to get fit for my jollies to Greece!!