Fumbles, Fears, and Frightfully Shallow Water

Since moving to Korea my love life, until my momentary break down two days ago, was pretty much on the down low. 

Other than a first night drunken fumble with my neighbour and colleague (I avoided the large pile I left on my doorstep by taking over a brew the morning after), I haven't seen any serious man action .

My momentary emotional hurricane on Monday night got me thinking about how much I miss being taken on dates or even flirted with openly in public. I'm not saying either of these things don't happen in Korea, it's just I've not experienced them just yet, well unless you count the following as flirting, a creepily long handshake by the American guy that is actually nicknamed Creepy Joe, or a gaggle of girls taking my photograph in a supermarket.

Korean men are unlike any I have ever met. They are cute, ageless, and effortlessly sleek. Saying that, my colleague Craig is the campest man I have ever met (he'd put Dame Edna to shame), and that is not uncommon. It seems that whilst being gay is still taboo, it is perfectly alright to walk hand-in-hand around a museum with your best mate. I prided myself on my expertly trained gay-dar back in Manchester, now it's in overdrive and doesn't ever seem to be right as everyone is gay and straight all rolled into one!

Anyway, back to the straight men. 

The pool is quite shallow in the small city I live in, beautiful but shallow. Few men to look at and even fewer glancing in my direction. I am not surprised, however, as if I were male I wouldn't be able to tear my eyes off the skantily clad Korean women with smooth long legs, long flowing black hair and mysterious dark eyes. 

Enough of the mooning over Korean woman!! Ha. 

I have been asked by one guy called Jack. But I am completely unsure as to whether he has romantic (sexual) intentions or simply platonic as he is a serious woman lover. He asked me to go for dinner with him last week and I ended up turning it into a group thing because I don't know him well enough. 

(right so moving to Korea has made me afraid to go for a drink with a boy barely know, brilliant!)

Regardless he ended up standing us up. So, following the second offer today I'm thinking maybe he just cannot handle my hottness and needs to be alone with me and I should just put him out of his misery and go for a drink with him.

I mean obviously, it will be for his sake, not because I love dating...

Weathering Together

Good Morning!! 

I must send my apologies for about to start an absolute rant after so long of not actually blogging regularly for a ridiculous amount of time...but here goes!!

Isn't it funny how something that suffocates you for so long and when you're finally able to breathe it's like taking great gasps of fresh air? But the strangest part about whatever it is that's suffocating you, can still find a way to stop the air getting into your lungs, even after the longest amount of time?

For those of you who actually used to peer into my love life every now and then you'll know about the ex-boyfriend  even if you didn't you all either know or have experienced the classic-best-friend-from-uni-falling-in-love-scenario. 

Well, it would seem that over 2 years after our break up, a lot of heartache and break up sex later, he has a new girl. I had always prepared myself for this, not for the new girl per se, but the best friend bit. 

This is the bit I have dreaded. 

The giving up of the sexual tension we know is bad but still exciting, the knowing one another so well that it becomes second nature to tiptoe in and out of each others' lives, picking up the phone any time we want and exchanging stories. 

This whole thing makes me feel wracked with guilt because I've had other men in my life since him, several in fact, and so he has gone through this already. It doesn't make the shock any less. We actually had the conversation before I left that it was good for both of us to have almost 7,000 miles in between as he was as keen for him to move on as I was for him. 

Please don't get me wrong, all I want is for him to be happy but it still brings up that eternal question of whether or not we will still be able to be friends. I know from experience most serious exes do not remain friends, but I look at my sister and her "ex-boyfriend" and they are the best of friends, but still with a relatively fucked up friendship that 8 years down the line involves sex and jealousy. I do not want that and I don't need to convince you or me of that!

I grieved with him when his mother died, we welcomed our best friends' son, we celebrated graduating, we fought tooth and nail for one another whilst travelling, we looked after each other when we were sick; we became weathered in the storms of one anothers' lives. 

Letting him be happy (not that he needs my sodding permission!!) isn't the hard part, it's being the best friend whilst he is that churns my stomach.

So strange that the mind can make 2 years ago seem like just yesterday, magical in a way, but difficult all the same. Bloody mind, makes you so selfish. Ha.

In the most sincere (yet cheesy) words I can speak, I truly wish him every happiness in the world. Well, maybe not all, as I might just hold onto some of that for myself and perhaps taking a back seat in the best friend role for a while would suit us both.